how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Is Oprah even human
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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