did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
