my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
MIDGETS
????
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
