I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
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