I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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