im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
