I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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