so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
