Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
