Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Randomize
