just come out here and I will go home with you...
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
