The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
