I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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