I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
