it wasn't lemon gatorade
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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