She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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