someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Randomize
