just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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