when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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