im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize