i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
