Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize