Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
