i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
