I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
