you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Randomize
