I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
