i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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