Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
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