Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
