you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
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