i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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