saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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