well I can't set my house on fire every night
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
