he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
