Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
PANTIES FOUND
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