how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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