Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
