I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
