watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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