i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
