She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
