My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
