And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
the day after is always just damage control
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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