Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
