Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
