i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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