haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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