3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
