new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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