I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize