I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
