My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
