and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
