ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
