i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Come see our sink grown plant.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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