Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
