Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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